Having a daughter…I never thought it would stir up so many things within me and that it would lead to such strong self-questioning.
I remember this day in April 2018 very well. I left for my 4th month pregnancy appointment with my midwife. Raphael not being able to free himself, I went there alone, just a routine appointment, no news planned.
During the appointment I started to question the fact that I didn’t feel the baby moving yet. My midwife then suggested that I do a quick ultrasound to show me the position of the baby in order to help me visualize the inside and better feel the movements.
At the time of the echo she said: “ooooh but now I see everything, I can tell you the sex of the baby if you want!”.
We didn’t have a preference, really none, but we wanted to know the sex before birth. And I knew Raphael wouldn’t blame me if I found out before him.
“Madam, there is no doubt, it’s a girl!”
When I got dressed I remember wearing a super silly smile of joy that didn’t leave my face for a good hour. That’s it, I could finally get to know the little being who lived in my belly. A little girl. My little girl.
My little girl….
My little girl ??
MY LITTLE GIRL !!!
A GIRL !!
OH DAMN…
An hour after the announcement and after calling the whole world to announce the news, I suddenly became aware of an issue that I had not seen coming and a huge weight fell on my shoulders. My legs felt like cotton and I quickly stopped and sat down on a bench to regain my composure.
At that moment I felt a wave of panic and a lot of anxiety: how were we going to succeed in educating our daughter far from the clichés and the pressure that we feel as women?
I’m not saying that raising a boy is easier, the issues are just as complex. But I, who for several years have been trying to deconstruct certain thought patterns that are ruining my life, I was very afraid of transposing onto her all these modes of thought acquired during my childhood, my adolescence and my life as a young woman. These ways of thinking that really stifled my femininity and that I still fight against today.
“You should go on a diet, a thin girl is more beautiful”
“Put on makeup, you look more beautiful”
“What are these unshaven legs?”
“Oh Louise, you’re acting like a serious guy, get a hold of yourself!”
“Sweet and discreet girls are super sexy, boys like them more. Stop laughing like that.”
“Why are you in sneakers, a real girl wears heels and dresses”
“So that’s a job for men, you’ll never succeed”
“Girls are less strong than boys, let me carry this box”
“A woman must take care of her man, that’s her role”
“So that’s it, you’re fit, you’ve found your pre-pregnancy body? You shouldn’t delay, eh!”
And so on… These sentences do not date from 1930, but from the last thirty years. Some even from recent months…
So I felt an enormous responsibility on my shoulders, that of helping her to flourish as a little girl who was free to act, dress, have fun, move and think as she pleased. A little girl who would love herself as she is, without giving importance to society’s very critical view of her image as a woman.
I was afraid of doing wrong and I put a lot of pressure on myself…
I’ll be honest it wasn’t easy, I really panicked, I was afraid to repeat what I had heard here and there. All this anxiety surely contributed to the depression I experienced during my pregnancy and which continued after his birth. Ah for once, all my traumas came to the surface and the help of a professional clearly allowed me to weather this storm.
Who said all pregnancies are idyllic?
At barely 11 months our daughter has already been confronted with so many sexist remarks from those close to her or not, how is this possible? It’s a baby though!
“Don’t spread your legs like that Ysé it’s not beautiful for a girl”
“Later you will wear makeup like mom”
“Make yourself pretty for the boys”
“Get a book about fashion because it’s important for a little girl to love fashion”
“Ah she likes mirrors, it’s a good sign, she’s feminine”
“Those are boy’s clothes you’re wearing there.”
“She will be hairy like her father, poor thing she will have to shave all the time”
“Are you not eating because you want to diet for this summer?”
“Did your mother buy you a toy train? Are you a boy?”
“Ah finally you are in pink, what a beautiful little girl!”
Seriously ????? She is 11 months old!! Am I the only one this shocks?
Every time I confront people who say these kinds of sentences it’s always the same response: “Oh that’s okay, it’s just for fun! At her age she doesn’t understand!” Nothing worse than this sentence to annoy me…
It is by resolving my personal problems and moving forward on my own that today I act calmly with her, without pressure and anxiety. I trust my feminist instinct and distance myself as much as possible from the codes that people would like to impose on us. We pay attention to our words (certain reflexes die hard), we communicate a lot with her, we act freely and… we piss off the retarded jerks! We want her to be able to feel free to be whoever she wants.
Anyway, we have a little girl.