Having a daughter…I never thought it would stir up so many things inside me and that it would lead to such a strong questioning.
I remember that day in April 2018 very well. I had left for my midwife’s 4th month appointment. Raphael couldn’t get away so I went alone, just a routine appointment, no ultrasound planned.
During the appointment I started to wonder why I didn’t feel the baby moving yet. My midwife then suggested that we do a quick ultrasound to show me the baby’s position in order to help me visualize the inside and better feel the movements.
At the time of the ultrasound she said to me: “ooooh but now I see everything, I can tell you the sex of the baby if you want!”
We didn’t have a preference, really none, but we wanted to know the sex before birth. And I knew Raphael wouldn’t mind if I found out before him.
“Madam, there is no doubt, it’s a girl!”
As I got dressed I remember having a super silly smile of joy that didn’t leave my face for a good hour. That was it, I could finally get to know the little being that lived in my belly better. A little girl. My little girl.
My little girl….
My little girl??
MY LITTLE GIRL!!!
A GIRL!!
OH DAMN…
An hour after the announcement and after calling the whole world to announce the news, I suddenly became aware of a challenge that I had not seen coming and a huge weight fell on my shoulders. My legs became cotton and I quickly stopped to sit on a bench to collect my thoughts.
At that moment I felt a wave of panic and a lot of anxiety: how were we going to succeed in educating our daughter far from the clichés and the pressure that we feel as women?
I’m not saying that raising a boy is easier, the issues are just as complex. But I, who have been deconstructing certain thought patterns that are ruining my life for several years, was very afraid of transposing onto her all these ways of thinking acquired during my childhood, my adolescence and my life as a young woman. These ways of thinking that really stifled my femininity and against which I am still fighting today.
“You should go on a diet, a slim girl is more beautiful”
“Put on makeup, you’re more beautiful”
“What’s with those unshaven legs?”
“Oh Louise, you’re acting like a serious guy, pull yourself together!”
“Sweet and discreet girls are super sexy, boys like them more. Stop laughing like that.”
“Why are you wearing sneakers, a real girl wears heels and dresses”
“So that’s a man’s job, you’ll never get there.”
“Girls are weaker than boys, let me carry this box”
“A woman must take great care of her man, that’s her role”
“So you’re fit, you’ve got your pre-pregnancy body back? Don’t delay, okay?”
And so on… These sentences do not date from 1930, but from the last thirty years. Some even from the last few months…
So I felt a huge responsibility on my shoulders, that of helping her blossom as a little girl free to act, dress, have fun, move and think as she pleases. A little girl who would love herself as she is, without giving importance to the very critical view of society towards her image as a woman.
I was afraid of doing wrong and I put a lot of pressure on myself….
I’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy, I really panicked, I was afraid of repeating what I had heard here and there. All this anxiety surely contributed to the depression that I experienced during my pregnancy and which continued after her birth. Ah, for once, all my traumas came to the surface and the help of a professional clearly allowed me to get through this storm.
Who said all pregnancies were idyllic?
At barely 11 months old, our daughter has already been confronted with so many sexist remarks from those close to her and not, how is this possible? She’s still a baby!
“Don’t spread your legs like that Ysé, it’s not pretty for a girl”
“Later you will wear makeup like mom”
“Make yourself pretty for the boys”
“Hold a book about fashion because it’s important for a little girl to love fashion.”
“Ah, she likes mirrors, that’s a good sign, she’s feminine.”
“Those are boy’s clothes you’re wearing there.”
“She’ll be hairy like her father, poor thing, she’ll have to wax all the time.”
“Are you not eating because you want to diet for this summer?”
“Did your mother buy you a little train? Are you a boy?”
“Ah finally you’re in pink, what a beautiful little girl!”
No but seriously????? She’s 11 months old!! Am I the only one that’s shocked?
Every time I tell people who say this kind of thing, it’s always the same response: “Oh, come on, it’s just a joke! At her age, she doesn’t understand!” There’s nothing worse than this sentence to annoy me…
It is by resolving my personal problems and moving forward on my own that today I act serenely with her, without pressure and anxiety. I trust my feminist instinct and distance myself as much as possible from the codes that people would like to impose on us. We are careful with our words (some reflexes die hard), we communicate a lot with her, we act freely and… we f**k the backward pains! We want her to feel free to be who she wants.
Anyway, we have a little girl.
